Midnight Madness

So maybe I'm just tired and over thinking things as usual, but for some reason I find myself questioning the relationship I am in. I don't know why. It's perfect...when he's here, but when he's not here (like tonight) I start to question everything. I know I love him, and he says he loves me. That should be enough...right?

I found someone who makes me happier than I have ever been. Whenever I have needed him, he's been here for me without a fault. He constantly tells me how beautiful and wonderful I am. I know I can trust him to never cheat on me or hurt me the way men have in the past. He makes me laugh and smile almost constantly, yet he can also be serious when I need him to be. He gets along so well with my daughter, and I know she is happy that he is in our lives.

So what the heck is the problem? We've been together over seven months, and it's been wonderful. Why can't I just believe in it and trust that it will last? Why does the fact that it seems too perfect cause me to worry it won't last?

I want to believe that this will last. I know he is everything I've ever wanted and more than I've ever dreamed I would find, but there's always this huge shadow of doubt and worry that creeps into my thoughts when we are apart for too long. It seems too good to be true, and now I'm afraid I'm already in too deep to handle it if it doesn't last. I try to reassure myself that it's real and I deserve this, but times like tonight I begin to doubt whether I do.

He's so much younger than me. I'm getting older, and I don't have time to waste time on a relationship that is doomed to ever last. But then again, the thought of ending things just because I'm afraid that it won't work out seems ridiculous. I want to take the risk. I want to believe that we can end up living happily ever after. It's already lasted longer than I thought it ever would, and I don't see any logical reason to worry that it won't continue to work out.

I must just be tired. I'm acting like a crazy person. I've dated enough losers to know that I have found a great guy. I need to get a grip and just hang in there. Why would any sane person run from a perfect relationship just because they are scared that there is a small chance it won't work out? There are never any guarantees, and this is the best relationship I have ever been a part of. I need to control my paranoia and fear, or I'll end up ruining the best thing I've ever had over absolutely nothing.

Dealing with Being Let Go

So for the second time in a year I find myself unemployed. I can't believe it happened again. I could understand if I was some slacker employee who goofed off and deserved it, but this is not the case. My last job was really tough, but I put everything I had into it. Unfortunately, I received the dreaded "This just isn't working, so we need to let you go" conversation.

Now here I sit (again) trying to figure out what I'm going to do. The problem is that I don't have any thing I really want to do that I can just dive into. I would like to start my own bookkeeping business, but I can't afford to advertise and wait for work. I can go for a month or two on the little I have in savings, but then I'm going to be completely broke. As a single mother, I don't have any other income to rely on. I need to find something soon.

Of course this is where my indecisive nature is always a major downfall. I'm awful at making decisions, and the more options I have, the more I struggle. I've checked the help wanted section of the newspaper, and there's nothing that caught my eye. I would like to do something from home, but there are so many scams out there that it's taking me a long time to sift through all the trash and find something that's actually legitamite.

I come up with a different idea almost every hour. Most of them are nothing but foolish dreams, but I'm hoping if I keep brainstorming something amazing will come to me. So far my list of ideas includes: freelance writer, photographer, bookkeeper, and selling things online. Obviously, most of the ideas revolve around me working from home. That is the only thing I really know that I want. Otherwise, I'm open to almost anything. Let's hope I stumble upon something amazing soon!