Saturday, July 7, 2012

Midnight Madness

So maybe I'm just tired and over thinking things as usual, but for some reason I find myself questioning the relationship I am in. I don't know why. It's perfect...when he's here, but when he's not here (like tonight) I start to question everything. I know I love him, and he says he loves me. That should be enough...right?

I found someone who makes me happier than I have ever been. Whenever I have needed him, he's been here for me without a fault. He constantly tells me how beautiful and wonderful I am. I know I can trust him to never cheat on me or hurt me the way men have in the past. He makes me laugh and smile almost constantly, yet he can also be serious when I need him to be. He gets along so well with my daughter, and I know she is happy that he is in our lives.

So what the heck is the problem? We've been together over seven months, and it's been wonderful. Why can't I just believe in it and trust that it will last? Why does the fact that it seems too perfect cause me to worry it won't last?

I want to believe that this will last. I know he is everything I've ever wanted and more than I've ever dreamed I would find, but there's always this huge shadow of doubt and worry that creeps into my thoughts when we are apart for too long. It seems too good to be true, and now I'm afraid I'm already in too deep to handle it if it doesn't last. I try to reassure myself that it's real and I deserve this, but times like tonight I begin to doubt whether I do.

He's so much younger than me. I'm getting older, and I don't have time to waste time on a relationship that is doomed to ever last. But then again, the thought of ending things just because I'm afraid that it won't work out seems ridiculous. I want to take the risk. I want to believe that we can end up living happily ever after. It's already lasted longer than I thought it ever would, and I don't see any logical reason to worry that it won't continue to work out.

I must just be tired. I'm acting like a crazy person. I've dated enough losers to know that I have found a great guy. I need to get a grip and just hang in there. Why would any sane person run from a perfect relationship just because they are scared that there is a small chance it won't work out? There are never any guarantees, and this is the best relationship I have ever been a part of. I need to control my paranoia and fear, or I'll end up ruining the best thing I've ever had over absolutely nothing.

Thursday, May 17, 2012

Dealing with Being Let Go

So for the second time in a year I find myself unemployed. I can't believe it happened again. I could understand if I was some slacker employee who goofed off and deserved it, but this is not the case. My last job was really tough, but I put everything I had into it. Unfortunately, I received the dreaded "This just isn't working, so we need to let you go" conversation.

Now here I sit (again) trying to figure out what I'm going to do. The problem is that I don't have any thing I really want to do that I can just dive into. I would like to start my own bookkeeping business, but I can't afford to advertise and wait for work. I can go for a month or two on the little I have in savings, but then I'm going to be completely broke. As a single mother, I don't have any other income to rely on. I need to find something soon.

Of course this is where my indecisive nature is always a major downfall. I'm awful at making decisions, and the more options I have, the more I struggle. I've checked the help wanted section of the newspaper, and there's nothing that caught my eye. I would like to do something from home, but there are so many scams out there that it's taking me a long time to sift through all the trash and find something that's actually legitamite.

I come up with a different idea almost every hour. Most of them are nothing but foolish dreams, but I'm hoping if I keep brainstorming something amazing will come to me. So far my list of ideas includes: freelance writer, photographer, bookkeeper, and selling things online. Obviously, most of the ideas revolve around me working from home. That is the only thing I really know that I want. Otherwise, I'm open to almost anything. Let's hope I stumble upon something amazing soon!

Saturday, December 31, 2011

2012 - Ready to Rock!

So, I have decided that 2012 is going to be a great year. Considering how dull the past few have been, it shouldn't be hard to accomplish.

My two goals for 2012: To become a skinny bitch and find me a man. Let's see what happens!!

Tuesday, August 9, 2011

Where is that Door?

Well, I have been unemployed for a while now. It's really beginning to get to me. I feel like I'm living a secret life staying at home during the day, so no one finds out that I'm not working. I keep checking the help wanted ads, but there's nothing there.

My friends keep telling me not to worry. When one door closes another one opens. Well, I believed that at first too, but at this point I'm really beginning to wonder where the heck that door is. I've been searching everywhere, and I can't find that door. I've searched online, in the paper, and with people I know. No doors anywhere.

I'm trying to remain strong, but as my savings continues to dwindle away and bills pile up it's getting harder. What am I going to do?!

Tuesday, August 2, 2011

A Fork in the Road

There are many times in life when we are faced with a fork in the road. I'm 35-years-old and have come to many of these.

Some are small: Should we go to Burger King or McDonald? Should I get that shirt in red or blue?

Some are big: Should I rent or buy a house? Should I stay married or get divorced?

I've never been good with making decisions. Whether they are big or small, I tend to let someone else make the decision for me. Usually it works.

Unfortunately, that isn't the case now. Now I'm not facing a normal fork in the road. It isn't pick this or that. I feel like I've been dropped in a desert with no road or even path to choose from. It's wide open, and I have no idea which way to go.

I've been unemployed for a while now. I'm used to having my days mapped out, but everything is up in the air. I don't even know if I want to work in the same profession anymore. There are so many options to choose from, and no one is here to tell me which one to take. All I know is I have to figure something out soon.

I have been searching the help wanted ads, but nothing sounds like the ideal job. I've contemplated starting my own business, but that isn't something I can afford to do right now. I feel like a kid who doesn't know the answer to "What do you want to be when you grow up?" I honestly don't know. I like working with numbers, but I can't find a job opening that is worth applying for. I've thought about starting my own business, but I can't afford to sit around and wait for it to take off. I love to write, but can I really make a living doing that?

I've dreamed about being able to leave my job and do whatever I want, but now that I've lost my job I don't know what to do. I just keep waiting for a path to appear...hopefully soon.

Thursday, July 28, 2011

My Unexpected Extended Vacation

As a single mom being able to take a big vacation is something I never planned on doing. First of all, I never figured I would be able to afford it. Second, I couldn't imagine taking off on some big vacation with just me and my daughter.


Fortunately, this year an opportunity to take a vacation to Florida with my daughter became available, and I jumped at it. I had money in savings to cover the cost. I had PTO saved up, so I could take the vacation without losing any pay. My aunt invited us to join her, her husband, and her grandson at their timeshare, so I immediately began planning.


I took off a week and a half from work to have time to get ready, go to Florida, and then re coop before returning to work. We went to Florida for a week and had an amazing time. We spent five days at Disney and a day at Sea World. It was wonderful! We both had a great time, and when we returned home I felt rejuvenated and ready to go back to work.


Saying I was ready to go back to work is a big deal, because my job had been causing me nothing but grief for almost a year. My supervisor and I were not getting along, and every morning I had to drag myself out of bed to go. I hated my job. I read somewhere that if you work somewhere that you're not happy "you die a little each day". This is truly how I felt.


Anyhow, after our wonderful vacation I felt rejuvenated and ready to go back to work and make the most of it. I hopped out of bed the morning of my return to work and was ready to head in early. I knew with my long vacation there would be a lot to do, and I was ready to jump in.


My supervisor met me at my cubicle immediately after I walked in and said the owner wanted to talk to me. I figured it was about something that needed to be done or maybe about our annual reviews which were coming up at the end of the month. It didn't matter what he wanted. I figured I'd run in and get back to work.


When I walked into his office, I immediately realized this wasn't a normal meeting he wanted to have. My supervisor closed the door after I entered and sat down in a chair off to the side. Neither seemed to want to make eye contact, and I sat down wondering what the heck was going on. It didn't take long to find out. My boss looked up and said "I really don't like doing this, but I'm afraid we're letting you go."


I sat there in disbelief. My head was spinning trying to figure out what was happening. Was this some sort of sick joke? Was he serious? Why wouldn't my supervisor look at me?


He continued on by saying "We know you haven't been happy here and you haven't been able to get the amount of work done that we need."


At this point, I realized he wasn't kidding. This was no joke. He was serious. The one day I came into work feeling happy and ready to go...I got canned.


Then with a shaky hand, he slid an envelope across the desk to me and said "We are giving you a check for your remaining PTO and a generous severance check." (There was a long pause) Then he asked, "Is there anything you would like to say?"


I was speechless.


He said he would be happy to provide me with a good reference for my next job, and said my supervisor would help me clean out my desk.


I looked up and took my envelope. He looked like he was going to cry and my supervisor wouldn't look at me. I stood up and walked to my cubicle and immediately began cleaning out my things. My supervisor brought me a box and asked if she could help. I said "No."


It seemed to take forever to clean everything out. It was amazing how much crap I had accumulated in the almost four years I was there. I think I was still in shock the entire time. I couldn't think about anything except boxing up my things. I was terrified someone would come over and ask what was going on, and I'd have a complete break down. I just wanted to get my shit in the stupid box and get out of there.


When I was finally all packed up. My supervisor asked for my keys and walked me out. It took every bit of strength not to scream at her for being a bitch or break down in hysterical sobs. She made it sound like it was another person's fault that I was leaving, but it was her. I knew it was her.


I threw my box in my back seat and plopped into the driver's seat. I tried to keep my composure until I got home, but the tears were flowing beyond my control. I wasn't sad to have lost a job I hated. I couldn't believe I was fired. I've never been fired before, and the idea of dealing with it was horrifying.


I just wanted a vacation with my daughter. Our week in Florida was perfect. Now I don't have a job, and I have no idea when my "vacation" will end.

Tuesday, July 19, 2011

Three men and a pedophile van

So a friend and I decided to go out this weekend for a much needed night out. We made our usual stops uptown where there are several bars within walking distance. After a couple hours of bar hopping and drinking we were feeling pretty good. As we were walking to our next destination, we met up with three guys who were standing out in front of our next drinking hole.

Now normally we would say "Hi" and continue walking, but these guys somehow were able to draw us in. I'm not sure if it was because we were getting bored walking from one bar to the next and sitting by ourselves, or they were really that entertaining. Whatever the reason, we decided to stick around and find out more about these three guys who seemed to be as bored as we were.

They told us they were all pharmaceutical reps who were in town for the weekend. They were each from another state, but they'd been hanging out together for the weekend. After a few minutes we went inside a bar where they bought us a drink and continued to provide us with some much needed entertainment.

At first they were flirting with us both with the normal pick-up lines ("You have the most beautiful eyes", etc). They are the same lines all the players and want-to-be-players seem to use, but we let them go on and accepted their compliments. My friend informed them she was married, so then I became the target for their cheesy and over-the-top pick up lines. I've obviously been single for too long, because I ate all of it up.

For some reason two of the guys really wanted to go to another town. Why they wanted to head to another town at midnight was beyond me, especially since the town was over an hour away. Why spend the last two hours of bar time on the road? By the time they got there everything would be closing.

Whatever the reason, they continued talking about going and tried to convince me to go with them. Since my friend was married they knew she wouldn't go, but they somehow thought I would be up for a road trip. I let them try to sell me on the idea even though I knew there was absolutely no way I would ever leave town with three men I had just met. They said they knew a lot of people there and would be going to hang at their friend's homes. Great. Now not only would I be traveling with three strangers, but I would end up at some stranger's house. Definitely thinking about it now - not.

The best selling point they had was their mode of transportation. One of the guys felt the need to warn me about the van they were driving. I guess they'd talked to another girl about going, and when she saw their van she said she wasn't riding in a pedophile van. Now, I did not see the van. Part of me really wanted to, but I thought it was best to leave it to my imagination. I picture their van being big and white with a sign on the side saying they have icecream. Needless to say, even this new information couldn't convince me that going on a road trip with them was what I wanted to do. As cute and funny the one guy was there was no way I was going to leave town with three men in a pedophile van!