Friday, September 26, 2014

Teen Drama

Trying to follow my daughter's drama is like trying to follow a dozen soaps at a time. I'm floored by all the things going on around her, and I can understand why teens have such a hard time navigating through it all. She has friends who are drinking, cutting, getting in fights, and having sex. I appreciate the fact that she tells me these things, but yet it terrifies me to know there is so much she is having to deal with. Heaven knows my teen years weren't exactly all peaches and cream, but she's been dealing with all this drama years before I ever had to. I wonder how these kids handle all this. I guess not very well since there are so many of them doing things they shouldn't be.

It scares me to know she is surrounded by so much drama. She is a good girl and strong willed, but I can't imagine the peer pressure she has to face on a daily basis. I only hope that she continues to stay strong and do her best to survive all the chaos. 

Tuesday, April 29, 2014

So I've been "Let Go"...

Well, I was let go from my job about three months ago. You would think by now I would have another job, but I've got nothing. I am so tired of everyone saying how there are so many jobs out there. Where are these hidden gems? I've searched all the classifieds and search engines and I'm finding very little. Yes, there are lots of jobs, but the majority of them are not for me. There are none in my field, and the ones that are out there would require me taking a huge pay cut. I was barely making the bills at my prior salary. I can't imagine making at least 25% less than what I have been making. How in the heck would that work? Do I just pay 25% of my bills?!

Anyhow, I guess I'll just continue my search and hopefully I will eventually find something. Let's hope. 

Saturday, July 7, 2012

Midnight Madness

So maybe I'm just tired and over thinking things as usual, but for some reason I find myself questioning the relationship I am in. I don't know why. It's perfect...when he's here, but when he's not here (like tonight) I start to question everything. I know I love him, and he says he loves me. That should be enough...right?

I found someone who makes me happier than I have ever been. Whenever I have needed him, he's been here for me without a fault. He constantly tells me how beautiful and wonderful I am. I know I can trust him to never cheat on me or hurt me the way men have in the past. He makes me laugh and smile almost constantly, yet he can also be serious when I need him to be. He gets along so well with my daughter, and I know she is happy that he is in our lives.

So what the heck is the problem? We've been together over seven months, and it's been wonderful. Why can't I just believe in it and trust that it will last? Why does the fact that it seems too perfect cause me to worry it won't last?

I want to believe that this will last. I know he is everything I've ever wanted and more than I've ever dreamed I would find, but there's always this huge shadow of doubt and worry that creeps into my thoughts when we are apart for too long. It seems too good to be true, and now I'm afraid I'm already in too deep to handle it if it doesn't last. I try to reassure myself that it's real and I deserve this, but times like tonight I begin to doubt whether I do.

He's so much younger than me. I'm getting older, and I don't have time to waste time on a relationship that is doomed to ever last. But then again, the thought of ending things just because I'm afraid that it won't work out seems ridiculous. I want to take the risk. I want to believe that we can end up living happily ever after. It's already lasted longer than I thought it ever would, and I don't see any logical reason to worry that it won't continue to work out.

I must just be tired. I'm acting like a crazy person. I've dated enough losers to know that I have found a great guy. I need to get a grip and just hang in there. Why would any sane person run from a perfect relationship just because they are scared that there is a small chance it won't work out? There are never any guarantees, and this is the best relationship I have ever been a part of. I need to control my paranoia and fear, or I'll end up ruining the best thing I've ever had over absolutely nothing.

Thursday, May 17, 2012

Dealing with Being Let Go

So for the second time in a year I find myself unemployed. I can't believe it happened again. I could understand if I was some slacker employee who goofed off and deserved it, but this is not the case. My last job was really tough, but I put everything I had into it. Unfortunately, I received the dreaded "This just isn't working, so we need to let you go" conversation.

Now here I sit (again) trying to figure out what I'm going to do. The problem is that I don't have any thing I really want to do that I can just dive into. I would like to start my own bookkeeping business, but I can't afford to advertise and wait for work. I can go for a month or two on the little I have in savings, but then I'm going to be completely broke. As a single mother, I don't have any other income to rely on. I need to find something soon.

Of course this is where my indecisive nature is always a major downfall. I'm awful at making decisions, and the more options I have, the more I struggle. I've checked the help wanted section of the newspaper, and there's nothing that caught my eye. I would like to do something from home, but there are so many scams out there that it's taking me a long time to sift through all the trash and find something that's actually legitamite.

I come up with a different idea almost every hour. Most of them are nothing but foolish dreams, but I'm hoping if I keep brainstorming something amazing will come to me. So far my list of ideas includes: freelance writer, photographer, bookkeeper, and selling things online. Obviously, most of the ideas revolve around me working from home. That is the only thing I really know that I want. Otherwise, I'm open to almost anything. Let's hope I stumble upon something amazing soon!

Saturday, December 31, 2011

2012 - Ready to Rock!

So, I have decided that 2012 is going to be a great year. Considering how dull the past few have been, it shouldn't be hard to accomplish.

My two goals for 2012: To become a skinny bitch and find me a man. Let's see what happens!!

Tuesday, August 9, 2011

Where is that Door?

Well, I have been unemployed for a while now. It's really beginning to get to me. I feel like I'm living a secret life staying at home during the day, so no one finds out that I'm not working. I keep checking the help wanted ads, but there's nothing there.

My friends keep telling me not to worry. When one door closes another one opens. Well, I believed that at first too, but at this point I'm really beginning to wonder where the heck that door is. I've been searching everywhere, and I can't find that door. I've searched online, in the paper, and with people I know. No doors anywhere.

I'm trying to remain strong, but as my savings continues to dwindle away and bills pile up it's getting harder. What am I going to do?!

Tuesday, August 2, 2011

A Fork in the Road

There are many times in life when we are faced with a fork in the road. I'm 35-years-old and have come to many of these.

Some are small: Should we go to Burger King or McDonald? Should I get that shirt in red or blue?

Some are big: Should I rent or buy a house? Should I stay married or get divorced?

I've never been good with making decisions. Whether they are big or small, I tend to let someone else make the decision for me. Usually it works.

Unfortunately, that isn't the case now. Now I'm not facing a normal fork in the road. It isn't pick this or that. I feel like I've been dropped in a desert with no road or even path to choose from. It's wide open, and I have no idea which way to go.

I've been unemployed for a while now. I'm used to having my days mapped out, but everything is up in the air. I don't even know if I want to work in the same profession anymore. There are so many options to choose from, and no one is here to tell me which one to take. All I know is I have to figure something out soon.

I have been searching the help wanted ads, but nothing sounds like the ideal job. I've contemplated starting my own business, but that isn't something I can afford to do right now. I feel like a kid who doesn't know the answer to "What do you want to be when you grow up?" I honestly don't know. I like working with numbers, but I can't find a job opening that is worth applying for. I've thought about starting my own business, but I can't afford to sit around and wait for it to take off. I love to write, but can I really make a living doing that?

I've dreamed about being able to leave my job and do whatever I want, but now that I've lost my job I don't know what to do. I just keep waiting for a path to appear...hopefully soon.